The lights are dim. A fire burns in the fireplace. Two wine glasses sit half empty on the nightstand. Clothing is in a heap on the floor. You both reach for each other. You both fall onto the bed and…
Nothing. No explosions of passion. No whispered declarations of desires. No turbulent climax. And then you wonder: How can everyone in movies and romance novels have fiery, explosive sex while you and your partner barely spark?
Sexologist Logan Levkoff, author of the e-book How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex with You says, „TV shows and movies give us a very distorted view of what sex should be. Everyone seems to be constantly reaching their peak and having an orgasm with everything they do. If you grow up on this diet, and if your real life doesn’t match up, you think, ‚There’s something wrong with me‘ or ‚There’s something wrong with my partner.'“
Sex in real life can hardly ever match the passion depicted on screen, says sexual therapist Isadora Alman. „People don’t talk about the likelihood of passing gas in a weird position or the love of your life getting bad breath when they hold you in his arms.“
Sex in the real world is not perfect and does not always end with a world-shaking climax – but it doesn’t have to, says Levkoff. „Good sex doesn’t necessarily have to be about an orgasm. It can simply be an emotionally fulfilling experience between partners.“
Even long-term couples can face problems in the bedroom. While we can easily tell our partner which shirt to wear or what we want to cook for dinner together, we tend to be silent when it comes to sex.
So how do you tell your partner what you want without hurting their ego? „I think it really depends on how you phrase the statement,“ says Levkoff. „‚I would love it if we…‘ or ‚Could we try this?‘ You don’t want to make them feel guilty for what they have or haven’t done.“
You can have the conversation at any time and place that’s most comfortable for you. But before you talk, you need to know exactly what bothers you about your sex life. Is it a matter of technique? Personal hygiene? Timing? „Once you know what’s not working for you,“ says Alman, „you can suggest things that can alleviate those circumstances.“
For example, if something about your partner’s odor turns you off, suggest taking a bath together before lovemaking. If you crave more foreplay, ask for slower transitions to sex.
Before you can tell your partner what to do in bed, you need to know what you like. „I think especially women need to explore their own bodies,“ says Sussman. „You have to masturbate. Get a vibrator. Get some books. Teach yourself how to orgasm.“
Sometimes the problem is physical, such as premature ejaculation. Or it could be that the stress of your job spills over into the bedroom and interferes with your sex life. In such cases, seeking a sex therapist can be helpful. „We figure out why both of you are not getting along,“ says Alman. „And then we try to fix that.“
If you’re still unsatisfied, is it ever okay to fake it in bed? „If you fake it, you’re not doing yourself any favors because you’re not learning what really turns you on,“ says Sussman. „I think eventually it will take its toll. Your partner will notice that you don’t have a connection.“
Can sex ever be bad enough to consider ending a relationship? Possibly. „Maybe you really love someone and the sex will never be better than okay. You have to decide if you can live with that,“ says Alman.
Whenever you consider a breakup or divorce, you must weigh every element of the relationship and not just the sex. „You can’t have everything in life,“ says Sussman. „If you have a wonderful relationship, love each other, and have children, but the sex isn’t great, you might be able to live with that.“
Sussman says that every couple has the potential for good sex if they are willing to put in a little effort. „If you are two emotionally and physically healthy individuals, you should be able to work with what you have. Not everyone has to swing from the chandelier,“ says Sussman. „You can get better. But you have to practice and be open to discussing it and getting help if you need it.“