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Reignite the Passion in Your Marriage

Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three children.
Most of their conversations revolve around work, household chores, their
children’s activities, and the everyday aspects of their dull marriage.
Kendra expresses it as: „I love Jason, but the passion just isn’t there
anymore.“ When Kendra drops this bomb, Jason responds: „I thought we were
doing okay, that really wasn’t true. Even though we don’t have as much
sex anymore, it seems to just be a phase we’re going through. When I go to
bed at night, I just don’t have the energy.“ According to reports, Kendra
and Jason were passionate in the first years of their marriage. However,
their sexual life has declined in the past years, and they rarely spend
time together without their kids. Kendra seeks Jason for sexual intimacy
while Jason often withdraws. According to experts, the most common reason
why couples lose their passion for each other and stop being sexually
intimate is a pursuer-distancer pattern that develops over time. Dr. Sue
Johnson identifies the demand-withdraw pattern as a „protest polka“ and
says it is one of three „demon dialogues“. She explains that when one
partner becomes critical and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive
and distanced.

Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples has found that couples
who get stuck in this pattern in the early years of marriage have an over
80% likelihood of divorcing within the first four to five years. Foster
Emotional Intimacy A good sexual relationship is based on emotional
intimacy and closeness. In other words, if you want to improve your
physical relationship, you must first work on your emotional connection.
Focus on meeting your partner’s needs and communicating your own needs in a
loving and respectful manner. In The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman
explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love must
turn towards each other. Practicing emotional attunement can help you stay
connected even when you disagree. This means turning towards each other
with empathy, rather than defensiveness. Both partners need to talk about
their feelings and positive needs rather than what they don’t need.
According to Dr. Gottman, expressing a positive need is a recipe for
success for both the listener and the speaker, as it conveys complaints
and desires without criticism and blame. Dr. Gottman says, „This requires
a mental transformation from what’s wrong with your partner to what your
partner can do that would work.“ The speaker is really saying, ‚Here’s
what I feel and what I need from you.'“

Reignite the Sexual Chemistry In the early stages of marriage, many
couples are so caught up in the excitement of falling in love that they
hardly catch their breath. Unfortunately, this blissful state doesn’t last
forever. Scientists have found that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) released
in the initial stages of love, causes couples to feel euphoric and excited
through physical touch. It actually acts like a drug, providing immediate
rewards that bind us to our loved one. Holding hands, embracing, and gentle
touches are great ways to reaffirm your love for your partner. Physical
affection lays the groundwork for pleasure-focused sexual touches. Sexual
therapist and educator Dr. Micheal Stysma recommends setting a goal to
double the time you spend kissing, hugging, and using sensual touches if
you want to improve your marriage. Maintaining sexual attraction over a
long period of time is challenging. For example, Kendra and Jason lack
passion because they’re not willing to relinquish control and show
vulnerability. For this reason, they avoid sex and rarely touch each other.
Sexual therapist Laurie Watson says, „Most sexual concerns have their
origin in interpersonal conflict in the marriage.“ The Gottman Relationship
Adviser, the world’s first comprehensive relationship wellness tool for
couples, eliminates the guesswork in improving your relationship. Assess
your relationship’s health with a research-based self-assessment and then
receive a tailored digital relationship plan that has been proven to heal
and strengthen your relationship. Here are 10 tips to reignite the passion
in your marriage: Change Your Pattern of Initiating Sex Perhaps you deny
your partner or come on too strong. Avoid criticizing each other and end
the „blame game.“ Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example,
distancers may want to practice initiating sex more frequently, and
pursuers try to find subtle ways to tell their partner that they are sexy
without criticizing and demanding closeness. Hold Hands More Often According
to author Dr. Kory Floyd, holding hands, embracing, and touching release
oxytocin and induce a calming feeling. Studies show it’s also released
during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection reduces the release
of stress hormones and lowers the daily level of the stress hormone
cortisol. Let Tension Build Our brains experience more pleasure when
anticipating a reward lasts for some time before receiving it. So, take
your time with foreplay, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex
more romantic. Separate Sexual Intimacy from Routine Schedule time for
intimacy and avoid discussing relationship problems and household chores in
the bedroom. Sexual arousal diminishes when we’re distracted and stressed.
Make Time for Your Partner Try out different activities that bring joy to
both of you. Have fun with courtship and practice flirting to rekindle
sexual desire and intimacy. Dr. Gottman says, „Everything positive you
do in your relationship is foreplay.“ Focus on Loving Touches Offer your
partner a back or shoulder massage. People associate foreplay with
intercourse, but loving touches are a powerful way to show and reignite
passion, even if you’re not a touchy-feely person. Practice Being More
Emotionally Vulnerable during Sex Share your deepest desires, fantasies,
and longings with your partner. If you’re afraid of emotional intimacy,
consider individual or couples therapy.

Stay Curious about Sexual Intimacy Experiment with new ways to bring each
other pleasure. View sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner
better over time. Vary the Type of Sex You Have Have gentle, lovingly
tender, intimate, and highly erotic sex. Break the routine and try new
things as sexual needs change. Make Sex a Priority Create the mood for
intimacy before television or work dulls your passion. A light meal
together with your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.
Even if you’re not a touchy-feely person, an increasing physical affection
and emotional attunement can help you maintain a deep, meaningful
connection.

The good news is that you can reignite the spark you once enjoyed by
allowing your partner to influence you. In fact, Dr. Gottman reminds us
that friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together: „Couples
who know each other well [and] are well acquainted with each other’s likes,
dislikes, personality traits, hopes, and dreams are couples who make it.“

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