Clutching onto past romantic attachments breeds mistrust and can sabotage an otherwise promising relationship. Are you wondering if your sweetheart’s heart still lingers in the hands of a former love? There’s no surefire way to know without having a conversation with your partner about your concerns. But how do you know when it’s time to broach this subject? Here are 10 signs that it might be time to address it.
We all compare our current romance with past ones, and an occasional reference to an old relationship is nothing to worry about. But,“ says marriage and family therapist Joan Sherman, „if it’s happening around the clock, it’s a problem. It will prevent both of you from enjoying the new relationship.“
Sherman says that if you’re hearing every detail and story about the past relationship, it’s likely a sign that your partner has not moved on.
Keeping silent about a former lover can indicate a lack of closure. Guilt from holding onto a secret torch often leads a person to avoid talking about their ex. If you notice your partner is reluctant to bring up the ex, or if it becomes a sore point, it’s time to inquire about the reason, says Sherman.
Whether it’s through Facebook, a dating profile, or googling the ex’s name, relationship expert and author John Gray says that keeping a close online eye on an ex can be a warning sign. Gray says, „If they spend too much time online following a former partner, it can make you feel neglected. Are you getting what you need from this person, especially if they spend two hours on Facebook after dinner?“ If not, Gray says it’s time to speak up.
Frequent emails, phone calls, or online messages with a former love can harm a current relationship. But, as Carolyn Hax, advice columnist for the Washington Post, says, it’s a matter of context.
If you’re exchanging emails weekly and your partner is still fully invested in your current relationship, then there’s nothing to worry about. But if it’s weekly emails and your partner is not committed, then you have valid concerns, says Hax. Your partner may not have cut the cord.
In a new relationship, it’s all about trust, says Sherman. If you’re uncomfortable with your current partner’s contact with an ex, speak up. Your partner and their ex should be willing to take a break from each other while you both focus on what you have together. It doesn’t have to be a permanent break, but it’s a respectful thing to do.
Speaking of bad timing, during orgasm, the mind is completely uninhibited, making it easier to slip out another person’s name, says Gray. Such a slip-up usually indicates unresolved feelings for an ex.
Looking at mementos from a relationship is part of the healing process. But, says Sherman, it’s time to let go of the memories once the feelings have been resolved. Your partner doesn’t have to toss their favorite sweatshirt and all the love letters onto the curb. However, they should be out of everyday reach.
As for displayed photos, having a group picture with a former partner on the wall is one thing. Erecting a shrine to that person or decorating the bedroom with a display of the glorious past days is another. You can gently and tactfully suggest keeping those pretty frames and filling them with new memories of you both.
Watch out for a partner who toggles affections on and off. Gray says it could be a sign of inner turmoil. Your partner may be cold and withdrawing when feeling guilty for not showing the same kind of love in the previous relationship. Then, the passion may resurface when your partner feels guilty for pulling away from you.
One symptom of not being ready to move on is the talk of „I love you, but I’m not in love with you.“ Or, „I like you, but I still want to see other people.“ If a long-term relationship isn’t progressing to the next level, the obstacle could be another person from the past.
„If someone is wondering, ‚Should I go back? Why didn’t it work?,‘ it can be an obstacle to progress,“ says Gray.
Issues with maintaining an erection or achieving an orgasm can be a symptom of emotional stagnation, says Gray. Guilt can trigger feelings of unworthiness and prevent someone from fully committing to a new partner.“
However, Gray emphasizes that many other factors can affect performance in the bedroom, such as depression, high estrogen levels, excess belly fat, and substance abuse.
„Sometimes clients tell me, ‚I feel like something is off,'“ says Sherman. That’s a good barometer, she says. If something just doesn’t feel right, it’s probably worth addressing openly. It could lead to a discovery about your partner’s feelings for someone else.
Also, if you feel the need to snoop around, there’s a good chance your relationship has trust issues, says Sherman. Try to get to the bottom of the mistrust and hold off on detective work.
As much distress and headache it may cause, couples can survive a partner being stuck in a past failed relationship. But the longer you wait to address it, the more likely it is that you’ll become resentful about the situation, says Sherman.
Start the conversation with your hung-up sweetheart with a „collaborative“ approach, rather than pushing the other person away with angry words. Use sentences like „I need your help,“ „I need your reassurance,“ and „I love you and want to work on this with you“ to get the ball rolling, says Sherman.
If you’re struggling to address the issue but truly believe it’s worth working on, it may be time to seek help from a couples therapist.
If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with the love of your life, be wary of jumping on the jealousy bandwagon prematurely and making quick accusations. Without a bigger context, there’s no reason to chase down your partner with a „How dare you?“ attitude at every tiny suspicion.
„Extreme jealousy is worse than harboring persistent feelings for someone else,“ says Hax. „Often, an outburst is just a feeling. But constantly on the lookout for bad things – that tends to be a deeper trust issue.“