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Wenn ich ein Cardinals-Fan wäre, wäre ich sauer

von NFI Redaktion

First and foremost, let me clarify that I am no Cardinals fan. I apologize – I simply do not own a pair of Jorts. However, if I were a Cardinals fan, I would be furious. Cardinals fans should forget about the red birds; now you should have red bottoms. Every time you gaze upon the sharply dressed John Mozeliak, you should feel like Jesse Pinkman.

Except for Kyle Gibson (the greatest pitcher in baseball history) and Sonny Gray, this team has not improved this offseason. Mo has not only missed out on almost every trade he’s made in the last decade (cheers to Randy Arozorena!), but also every acquisition in this offseason. Yet I can almost guarantee you he hasn’t missed an online sale at BrooksBrothers.com.

And this new acquisition might as well be a slap in the face to every Cardinals fan.

Matt Carpenter – who the Atlanta Braves, the best baseball team of last season, said wasn’t good enough to last more than a few days on their roster – is back with the birds on the bat. What the heck? Why? I guess that .322 OBP was just too hard for Mo to pass up. I know firsthand, things can get heated under the Arch in the summer. I assume we’ll be providing cooling relief at the carp fishing spots. Then the Cardinals can save on the stadium air conditioning, and if there’s one thing the Cardinals like to do, it’s saving money. Just because the birds say cheap doesn’t mean you have to claim it too.

Personally, I thought the Cardinals should only showcase old Cardinals greats on Opening Day, but now they do it every year for 81 home games. Two years ago with Yadi and Pujols. Last year with Waino. And this year, now with Carp and *checks notes* Lance Lynn?! Excuse me while I dry off real fast. What’s next year, Mo? Want to wait until Kolten Wong’s batting average drops another 0.100 points before bringing him back? Maybe try to stomp on Lance Berkman’s tires again. I can’t wait to see The Rally Squirrel playing left field next year and finishing sixth place.

The Cardinals front office is full of rednecks. That’s not a slight on the social class, and they have red necks because they’re constantly craning backward. Remember 2011? David Freese! Remember? Remember? This old lady from Titanic remembers rolling around in passionate backseat love games 84 years ago more vividly than we can recall when this franchise was a force in Major League Baseball. And if you’re a Cardinals fan and feel insulted by these words, you’re part of the problem. You’re mad at the wrong person. Don’t hate the blogger, hate the fly. He’s the one putting out the same product every year and expecting 2011 results. And Mr. DeWitt lets him. Why? Because you keep buying tickets. And merch. And Jorts.

Maybe the Cardinals didn’t make the playoffs, but at least they made money. How do I know? Cardinals President Bill Dewitt III isn’t exactly quiet about their priorities.

The fact that he’s boasting about ticket sales in the offseason after the worst season since Todd Zeile was on the roster should tell you everything you need to know. If this organization really only cared about winning, the way it used to, they’d be open for business in all aspects and they wouldn’t be satisfied until another Commissioner’s Trophy (or „piece of metal“ as the real Commish calls it) is hoisted in the 314. It just blows my mind that in a week when the Cowboys brought back Mike McCarthy after a third disappointing year in a row, the Cardinals topped them by bringing back Mo for another disappointing offseason. But hey, at least Mike McCarthy’s teams still make the playoffs.

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