I know you’ve all been waiting with bated breath for updates on my contact lens journey, so here’s the latest: I completed my second lesson and it wasn’t too bad. At times, it felt like I was in a bizarre version of The Hunger Games, especially when I firmly pulled my eyelids open with one pair of fingers and repeatedly brushed my eyeball with the other. Watching all of this in the mirror only intensified the trauma.
Although my contact lens teacher (honestly, it must be one of the most frustrating jobs in the world) was as calm and patient as an FBI negotiator, I still had to undergo a few moments of reality check and wonder why the heck I voluntarily sabotaged my own eye comfort and happiness.
Up until now, my eyeballs have had a good life, thank you very much; I’ve had no real minor injuries, except for the time I nearly went blind trying to snap a small tree in half by bending and jumping on the (still planted) trunk. Reflecting on this whole experience, it’s clear that I am the most incompetent lens handler the world has ever known. My hands were shaking as though they were taped to a washing machine on permanent spin cycle, and I just couldn’t create the right conditions. My fingertip was too wet, the lens had dried out, it was upside down or inside out or folded like a burrito…
But I’m happy to report that I did manage to succeed. After dangling the moist disc in front of my eyeball for about nine hours, it finally lost patience and flung itself from my fingertip onto the surface of my eye, sucking on and making its presence immediately felt.
Inserting both contact lenses was easier the second time, especially after the nice instructor suggested trying a standing position for a change. I almost made a joke about contractions, but I didn’t think it was the right time. He was only human; his patience surely had its limits. But it slid in easier, so maybe standing is the optimal position for the future? Who knows. Some people apparently like to lean over the edge of the bed with a mirror on the floor beneath them, which sounds pretty dangerous to me, but who am I to judge? Who knows what innovative methods I’ll use when I get into the swing of things.
Navigate to my first contact lens experience….
After inserting both contact lenses, it was time to take them out again – and everything had gone wrong the week before. The second time, I was a little more relaxed and already accustomed to the feeling of pressing an invisible disc of barely visible gel onto my eyeball and moving it from side to side. This time, I watched in the mirror as the lens shifted and saw where it creased – it was difficult to grasp with longer nails, as it required using the sides of the fingers (otherwise, scratching the eye was a serious concern), but after about five hundred attempts, I finally managed it.
I suspect my eye actually said „Oh, damn it“ and ejected the lens itself because it was so fed up with all the poking, but we’ll never know for sure.
So I inserted both lenses and then removed them, and guess what I had to do? Put the darn things back in! And I was much faster. I don’t think I managed to do it in less than ten minutes per eye, given the time to breathe, the time to kick the wall in frustration, and the regular motivational talks from my tutor, but I did it. And I wore them for three hours and almost got used to the strange feeling of having them right there, sitting on my orbs.
Fast forward a few months, and I can’t say that my contacts and I ever really saw eye to eye. (Sorry.) It wasn’t so much the hassle of putting them in and taking them out, as that became quicker; it was that they didn’t really solve my problem. I just wanted seamless, clear vision without visible panty lines. I wanted to be able to see, to do everything, without having to actively bring about that sight.
I didn’t want to deal with the hassle of wearing glasses – needing one for walking, another for driving, and about three stacked ones for reading – but I also couldn’t cope with contact lenses, having to remember to remove them for naps (surprisingly frequent) and not being able to wear them to shower after a workout but having to wear them while working out…
It was just an added complication. The lenses. And for this complication, there were monthly costs that I somehow found annoying, despite the fact that I carry annoying direct debits for Apple TV, internet storage, Google Workspace, Spotify, and all sorts of other things. Holiday car insurance that I forgot to cancel, etc. I don’t know. They just weren’t for me.
But what Will be for me? So. Please hold the caller, as a marathon of eye related posts is coming…
*It was an invasive thing that needed to come out, and I was too lazy to get the spade, so I thought bending the trunk and stomping on it with both feet would be a remarkably low-effort option. It wasn’t, I almost, very, very nearly lost an eye.