Today, we received some hard news as the only bearable Kelce is retiring from what made him infamous: football.
Jason Kelce has apparently retired, as reported by Adam Schefter. Side note: It’s pretty messed up for Schefty to report someone’s retirement instead of allowing them to announce it on their own terms. It feels like Tom Brady, you know what I’m saying. Hey Schefty, maybe leave a few scoops for the people doing the scooping.
Well, it’s no secret we’re not fans of Donna Kelce. And while we have many Chiefs fans here at Korked Bats, Travis is basically a personified Eastbay magazine that’s being shoved in our faces because of the A-listers he dares to don. Travis seems to know the name of multiple Asher Roth songs. He is exactly the image we have in our head when we think of the term sneakerhead. He’s the AI generation out of the words Chevy Camaro, rap music, and HBO’s Entourage.
But when it comes to Jason, there was no ill will. Besides playing for the Eagles, he was actually somewhat likable. That’s an incredibly tough feat when playing for the Eagles. Not since Tony Danza was a trash collector and field goal shooter has there been a sympathetic Eagle?
And now he’s leaving the game for good. Why, Jason? Why? Couldn’t you let Baby Bro go first? Are you really going to leave us here with your walking billboard of a mother, Donna, and your brother who is just the personified word „bruh“? That’s mean, man. Barely anything that would murmur.
Anyway, Jason, for a man whose butt has been pushed for as long as you, you deserve a happy retirement. I’ve never watched Kelce on Amazon, but I can imagine this retirement is long overdue, as many of your joints probably aren’t functioning properly anymore, but we still wish you all the best. Please tell your brother to stop looking like he smells of Abercrombie FIERCE Cologne, and tell your mother to stop living post-race as a NASCAR driver and checking off her sponsor list.
Oh, and we’ll continue drinking beer.